Happy Dog

I haven't written anything in a really long time. I've been having constant conversations in my head. You know like when your really happy, so happy that you just have too many emotions going on in your head to actually express just one and so you run around and do things that look insane to everyone around you but just feel so right to you. Or maybe that's just me, and the good ole dog inside me. Basically i'm really happy today and it just feels right.

Summer is so close I can feel the warmth creeping up under my shirt when i'm walking to class. So close that when I wear my flippy floppies I can't focus for the life of me because all I can think about is how I want sand in between my toes. So close I want to workout till i'm as sweaty as I am after climbing a mountain. So close that when I smell BBQ I have to fight the urge to throw my backpack to the ground and run around like a puppy. So close that I catch myself daydreaming about the sound and smell of a cool river on a hot sunny day, and the refreshing cold beer after a long hot sevens practice, and the endless hours of fetch and cuddling on the grass with Charlie and Suzie, and this growing urge to enter the forest with the intention of never coming back out. This summer is going to be good, and I mean real good. Summer of '09 seems hard to beat but I felt the same way about last summer and look how that turned out. I'm excited for adventures, and long days in the sun and water, and not having to set my alarm every single morning even though I really enjoy waking up to NPR. But I want the power of being able to turn it on myself when I am ready to get out of bed. Also, I am excited to have time in the mornings to make tea and read whatever it is I want to read. Ah it's so close i'm going crazy..

I had a really good Mother's Day. I miss my mom a lot, and at this point I know that's okay and I am strong enough to handle it. It feels good to miss her, to think about the person she was, the good person she was, and think of what she'd make of the life I live without her. But that's just the thing, I don't feel like i'm living without her. I feel like she is here all the time, like she never left. There are parts of my life that I don't like to fully tell the people around me because it almost makes them a little impersonal. Those little things that make my soul soar.. they make me want to scream at the world for how wonderful they are, but if I scream them their close intimacy will be lost.. Those feelings that keep me so happy I can't control myself. It's those things I tell her. My secrets. The ones that are mine and only mine, but I feel okay telling her because that is why she is here. To listen to me... and my secrets.

Fail.

I am frustrating the shit out of myself. And I think i've had the last straw. I woke up today really wanting to run.. or go to crossfit for a group workout. And my leg was ready two weeks ago, but because of my inability to control my impulses for random acts of spasticism I have set myself back a few weeks. Why do I do this to myself I don't understand. While I am climbing 3 chain link fences in a row, or cutting like a psycho on a really tight quad I am thinking about how I should not be doing it. I even think about how terrible it would be if I retore my quad in the process, but for some reason I don't stop myself. I keep going, because I have this ridiculous mindset that if I can stand the pain then it doesn't matter. But pain is my body telling me that I need to take it down a notch, and I need to listen. It's like when Suzie is playing fetch.. if you throw the ball she is going to sprint after it. She can't help it, when she needs a break you know it because she lingers with the ball because she knows that if she gives it to you there will be no time to catch her breathe. When I see something worth climbing I feel like I need to climb it, like if I don't climb it right then and there I will never get to climb it and i'll miss that opportunity. This probably sounds stupid, because I mean after all I am talking about climbing trees, but I am a weird person with strange tendencies. I am ok with that, but I am not okay with this stagnant inbetween state my torn quad has put me in. I feel like my whole life is on hold, and everything i'm doing now doesn't matter because the I can't make the progress I want to toward my most important goals. It's time I did something about it, I am the reason I am in this medial state and it's about time I did something about it.

Untitled.

So my torn quad is well on it's way to recovery. That was the month of hell. Didn't know I was such an impatient person. Well I did but I was unaware of how to handle it if exercise wasn't the answer. I am really sad I missed the half marathon but like Scott said there's always next year! I feel so good right now, like I have control over myself more than I ever have. I know what I want and I know how to get it, and I know exactly what i'm willing to sacrifice or how much i'm willing to give in order to get those things. People act like fitness is the hardest thing to manage but for me it's the easiest. It makes the most sense out of everything I do. I'm grateful for all of the awesome friends I have and i'm grateful for this amazing Seattle weather. I am really excited for this quarter to end, and to use the open days of winter break to get into really good shape for rugby. It's not gonna be as fast as I would like it to be, for my quads sake, but i'm working out again. A wrong has been righted :)

Ha

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtX8nswnUKU&feature=player_embedded

Autumn. It's officially here.

Can I just say that I did not expect my last day of summer to be so incredibly amazing!? Good dogs, great friends, and an amazing hike through the wet pacific northwest. Home made pumpkin pie with vanilla ice cream, a cozy fireplace, and the best friends a girl could ask for. As a Washington resident I do get tired of the rain, but absence makes the heart grow fonder. I love falling sleep to the pounding of hard rain outside my window. When it's so cold you have to wear two sweatshirts. The warm feeling hot cocoa brings to your insides as well as frostbitten fingers. Autumn is amazing to me, the prettiest season by far. As long as i'm not raking them I can always appreciate the simple beauty of falling leaves. I miss being 8 years old and able to jump into a pile of leaves bigger than me. I also miss my Mom always complaining about how dirty I was and being so seemingly proud of it.

It's the first day of school today and I left earlier than necessary to bike all the way to Hitchcock for an 8:30 lab. The time schedule says if you don't attend the first lab you may be dropped, but 8:35 rolled around and no body was there to open the door. But I really didn't mind it. Nothing like waking up to crisp air against your face with a free cup of coffee compliments to Tully's. I may not be excited for the overwhelming loads of homework i'm about to acquire, but i'm excited for school to begin. I like getting lost in my schoolwork and getting nestled into a routine. But most of all i'm antsy for Rugby to start. I can't wait for the late night practices, road trips with amazing ruggers, the soreness you can only feel after 80 minutes of brutal contact, the cold beer accompanied by rugby songs, and the priceless feeling of scoring a try, making a solid tackle, or managing a successful stiff arm. Let's go.

I've got it bad

It's crazy sometimes what life shoots at you. How something so out of the blue and unexpected can change your life so much. It's these life changing shenanigans that keep me going really. I'm a thrill seeker, energy hoarder, and adventurer. I strive to find challenges for myself so before and after I do them I can say, "Hey that won't be/wasn't that bad." Really, I do this on a day to day basis, even if I felt like dying in the process. That's why it wasn't long before I got the crossfit bug. 

Yes I drank the crossfit kool-aid. I straight chugged that shit. Like Chelsea McAdams in a milk chugging contest or Brett anchoring in a boat race with Rainier. It tastes so damn good I can't get enough of it. I went in thinking it'd be a good way to get into better shape over the summer, but now i'm praying the price doesn't go up and suck out all my college funds. I just love the feeling of a shirt drenched in sweat, the inability of muscle usage after being worked so hard, and let's not forget the calluses the size of quarters being ripped off my hands during pull-ups. There's a reason they call me crazy and i'd like to embrace it. It is what I am and crossfit makes me feel like there are other folks with the same crazy workout goals as myself. 

There's no going back now. I'm addicted.. I may even use the word dependent if it was such a thing without the presence of withdrawal symptoms. You gotta choose your avocations wisely.. and if i'm gonna be attached to something i'd rather it be crossfit than something like clothes or materialized things. I could go without the convenience contemporary reliance on technology brings. I've broken my phone, ipod, and my stereo was stolen.. and although i'm not constantly enertained with music and pretty much outside the circle of communication..i'm enjoying it. I can actually let my thoughts do a 180 without distractions and see where they end up. It's kinda nice to see what's going on inside this big head of mine, and feeling closer to the world and not just in it is something only simplicity can unfold.

Words of Wisdom.

"A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if your rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can you say that about? How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?"

-Marley and Me

"And its funny how it`s the simple things in life that mean the most"

-Zac Brown Band