Fail.

I am frustrating the shit out of myself. And I think i've had the last straw. I woke up today really wanting to run.. or go to crossfit for a group workout. And my leg was ready two weeks ago, but because of my inability to control my impulses for random acts of spasticism I have set myself back a few weeks. Why do I do this to myself I don't understand. While I am climbing 3 chain link fences in a row, or cutting like a psycho on a really tight quad I am thinking about how I should not be doing it. I even think about how terrible it would be if I retore my quad in the process, but for some reason I don't stop myself. I keep going, because I have this ridiculous mindset that if I can stand the pain then it doesn't matter. But pain is my body telling me that I need to take it down a notch, and I need to listen. It's like when Suzie is playing fetch.. if you throw the ball she is going to sprint after it. She can't help it, when she needs a break you know it because she lingers with the ball because she knows that if she gives it to you there will be no time to catch her breathe. When I see something worth climbing I feel like I need to climb it, like if I don't climb it right then and there I will never get to climb it and i'll miss that opportunity. This probably sounds stupid, because I mean after all I am talking about climbing trees, but I am a weird person with strange tendencies. I am ok with that, but I am not okay with this stagnant inbetween state my torn quad has put me in. I feel like my whole life is on hold, and everything i'm doing now doesn't matter because the I can't make the progress I want to toward my most important goals. It's time I did something about it, I am the reason I am in this medial state and it's about time I did something about it.

Untitled.

So my torn quad is well on it's way to recovery. That was the month of hell. Didn't know I was such an impatient person. Well I did but I was unaware of how to handle it if exercise wasn't the answer. I am really sad I missed the half marathon but like Scott said there's always next year! I feel so good right now, like I have control over myself more than I ever have. I know what I want and I know how to get it, and I know exactly what i'm willing to sacrifice or how much i'm willing to give in order to get those things. People act like fitness is the hardest thing to manage but for me it's the easiest. It makes the most sense out of everything I do. I'm grateful for all of the awesome friends I have and i'm grateful for this amazing Seattle weather. I am really excited for this quarter to end, and to use the open days of winter break to get into really good shape for rugby. It's not gonna be as fast as I would like it to be, for my quads sake, but i'm working out again. A wrong has been righted :)

Ha

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtX8nswnUKU&feature=player_embedded

Autumn. It's officially here.

Can I just say that I did not expect my last day of summer to be so incredibly amazing!? Good dogs, great friends, and an amazing hike through the wet pacific northwest. Home made pumpkin pie with vanilla ice cream, a cozy fireplace, and the best friends a girl could ask for. As a Washington resident I do get tired of the rain, but absence makes the heart grow fonder. I love falling sleep to the pounding of hard rain outside my window. When it's so cold you have to wear two sweatshirts. The warm feeling hot cocoa brings to your insides as well as frostbitten fingers. Autumn is amazing to me, the prettiest season by far. As long as i'm not raking them I can always appreciate the simple beauty of falling leaves. I miss being 8 years old and able to jump into a pile of leaves bigger than me. I also miss my Mom always complaining about how dirty I was and being so seemingly proud of it.

It's the first day of school today and I left earlier than necessary to bike all the way to Hitchcock for an 8:30 lab. The time schedule says if you don't attend the first lab you may be dropped, but 8:35 rolled around and no body was there to open the door. But I really didn't mind it. Nothing like waking up to crisp air against your face with a free cup of coffee compliments to Tully's. I may not be excited for the overwhelming loads of homework i'm about to acquire, but i'm excited for school to begin. I like getting lost in my schoolwork and getting nestled into a routine. But most of all i'm antsy for Rugby to start. I can't wait for the late night practices, road trips with amazing ruggers, the soreness you can only feel after 80 minutes of brutal contact, the cold beer accompanied by rugby songs, and the priceless feeling of scoring a try, making a solid tackle, or managing a successful stiff arm. Let's go.

I've got it bad

It's crazy sometimes what life shoots at you. How something so out of the blue and unexpected can change your life so much. It's these life changing shenanigans that keep me going really. I'm a thrill seeker, energy hoarder, and adventurer. I strive to find challenges for myself so before and after I do them I can say, "Hey that won't be/wasn't that bad." Really, I do this on a day to day basis, even if I felt like dying in the process. That's why it wasn't long before I got the crossfit bug. 

Yes I drank the crossfit kool-aid. I straight chugged that shit. Like Chelsea McAdams in a milk chugging contest or Brett anchoring in a boat race with Rainier. It tastes so damn good I can't get enough of it. I went in thinking it'd be a good way to get into better shape over the summer, but now i'm praying the price doesn't go up and suck out all my college funds. I just love the feeling of a shirt drenched in sweat, the inability of muscle usage after being worked so hard, and let's not forget the calluses the size of quarters being ripped off my hands during pull-ups. There's a reason they call me crazy and i'd like to embrace it. It is what I am and crossfit makes me feel like there are other folks with the same crazy workout goals as myself. 

There's no going back now. I'm addicted.. I may even use the word dependent if it was such a thing without the presence of withdrawal symptoms. You gotta choose your avocations wisely.. and if i'm gonna be attached to something i'd rather it be crossfit than something like clothes or materialized things. I could go without the convenience contemporary reliance on technology brings. I've broken my phone, ipod, and my stereo was stolen.. and although i'm not constantly enertained with music and pretty much outside the circle of communication..i'm enjoying it. I can actually let my thoughts do a 180 without distractions and see where they end up. It's kinda nice to see what's going on inside this big head of mine, and feeling closer to the world and not just in it is something only simplicity can unfold.

Words of Wisdom.

"A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if your rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can you say that about? How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?"

-Marley and Me

"And its funny how it`s the simple things in life that mean the most"

-Zac Brown Band

June 21st

Oh June 21st, why are you so ironic this year? The first day of summer, suppose to be the longest day of the year. It will be for me, considering i'll be in the car breathing into a sweatshirt for 11 hours. But I always remembered you being pretty. At least clear, I don't like this smoggy sky and pouring buckets that ruined my plans to race 4 miles with my Dad (who has it set in his mind that he was gonna win.) As hard as it was gonna be I was gonna let him, figuired it could be good for me. I don't like when my overcompetitive drive affects people I love in a negative way, not that he cares really. He just likes the fact that we run together, the simple act in itself. This is why I love my Dad so freakin much.

My Dad may be a bit scary, a bit of a loose screw, and a bit frank, but I wouldn't ask for anything more. Or less. He's 52 years old and still giving me a run for my money. I get nervous everytime we run, because I know one of these times he's gonna beat me and i'm never gonna hear the end of it. But I guess it's something to be proud of really, there's nobody else that i'm related to that works out or enjoys it as much as I do. He's just as unsettled as me I think. Always planning new projects, every time I come up to the house it looks better. In a matter of a week they finished a horse stall and painted the inside of the house again. There are more runs in the doggy day care, and more dogs to fill them. I don't know how you do it Dad but I know where I got all my insane amounts of energy from. I'm very proud of him. Happy Father's Day.

Today is also my Mom's birthday. I always used to make her a sentimental, handmade card. Those were her favorite. She didn't want something from the store, or something that costed a lot of money, but rather something she could look at and be reminded of how much she loved me. So in celebration of this day, and the life of my Mom I am going to get something that will remind me of how much I love her. I've wanted to get this tattoo for a long time and was just waiting for the right time, and this seems like it. I want something to remind me of how much she means to me right now in my life, and how much I took for granted, and now i'm gonna go make breakfast for my Dad before I start to cry.

The days that make everything worth while.

There's something about those really good days, the days where everything in your life seems to make sense. Where in the moment of any second of the day your satisfied with where you are, who your with, what your doing, or what your going to be doing (except maybe when you can't breathe). Sevens is so much more fun and less scary then I thought it was gonna be. Yeah it's a lot of running, and yeah 7 minutes seems like a long time when your sprinting every other second to look like your going to corner flag that person you know your not going to catch, but there's a lot more contact than I thought (whether there's suppose to be or not). 5 games. Well 4 if you count the two halves we got to rest.. But the more sweat that came off me the more satisfied I became with it. I can't help but LOVE playing rugby all day, the greatest feeling after a game is the fact that you know there's another one to come in an hour (or 15 minutes against orsu if your lucky). Saturday's a rugby day again. That's the way it should be.

But what was just as amazing if not better was the cold beer right after. Thanks Phil for the cooler you brought to keep the delicious and clear beer cold, and thanks Brett for offering to drive home so I could chug my beer nonchalantly fast, and become drunk in about the same time that it takes Suzie to pee everywhere. I'm a one beer wonder, and that's how I like it. I don't have to worry about that bloaded feeling from too much beer, or making sure there is enough beer to get me drunk.

Too many minutes later we were home, and let's not forget the delicious toasted veggie subway sandwich, that was so satisfying to my ravenous stomach. Happy dogs are the best thing to come home to. Especially all dirty because you can roll all over the ground and burrow your face in their smelly hair and it doesn't matter because you already stink so bad a little dog smell won't hurt. Then a perfect ending to a perfect day. Friends, beer pong, barbequed veggies, warm fire, raniers in the hammock, s'mores, and the office. It seriously can't get better than that right? Especially when your with people who just make you feel at peace with yourself, the world, and your place in it. As if you could have any place in the world that you want because your happiness doesn't depend on that.

Amazling perfect days aren't great just because they are, but also because they don't end just as abruptly as they began. They linger in my head for a few days after, reminding me of why I love life so much, wondering when the next time one of them will come around, while at the same time keeping my happy go lucky self so freakin happy. No matter how rude some rich snobby old person is to me about how the handle on their 500 lb bag of luggage is slightly bent, I know that the fact that I may have thrown their luggage a little hard doesn't make me a bad person or them any more of a bitch. I know that when it comes down to it in life there are only a few things that really truly matter. It matters that I do those things that make me happy, and that I love the friends that are my buddies and make life so enjoyable, and that I see and love my family no matter how judgemental they are or how stacked for time I am. But most importantly is that I enjoy all the little things, like fetch in the sun with a dog who can't stay in the heat for longer than 20 seconds, drunkenly playing on playgrounds to the point where you want to barf, and skinning dipping (or swimming) in a warm dirty lake with friends (both drunk ones and sober caring ones), because in the end it's you who decides how much your gonna get out of life and who your gonna enjoy it with.

So i'm here in the 360.. spending a wonderful day in the sun with the fam.. and I stumbled across a letter I had written to my Dad when he was in Jail dated June, 1, 2002 (This would make me 12)..

Dear Daddy,
Hi it's me your lovely daughter Claire. I haven't written to you in a long time. I LOVE YOU!
How have you been? I've been good. There are only 18 more days of school left. I am doing a big written research project on the South American Jaguar. I don't want to go with mommy. I want to stay with Mrs. D [my gaurdian]. She is so fun, and mommy still doesn't have it all together yet. I think that she has been drinking. Are you still a cook? HOw many push-ups can you do in a row? I can only do 50. Do you still eat raw eggs? How many miles do you run a day? Did I ever tell you that when I joined running club, I won a trophy in a relay race? Well I have..

And that's where it ends.. all alone without it's finishing counterpart. That's great.. if you know me and know how all over the place that I am then this should explain alot. And wow.. didn't know I was such an analytical child. Kinda makes sense.

The center of the universe. And some other things that are on my mind.

Paisley really is the center of the world. It gives you an idea of how big the world really is.. I mean half of the drive is through mountains and valleys of amazing wilderness, that make you want to hike every time you turn a corner. The weekend of disconnection from the world and that day of great hiking really was an amazing tease. Every short hike we went on made me want to continue, to the highest peak I could find. There was so much potential around every hill we drove by or through, an empty valley waiting to be explored, a treacherous hill waiting to be challenged, a roaring river waiting for the company of sun kissed drunkards. As unorthodox as it may sound, one of my favorite parts of the weekend was riding in the back of ol' Uncle Mirns truck. Wind blowing my hair back like a dog with it's head out the window, so simple but so satisfying. Like being at the top of that mountain that you worked so hard to get to the top of. Nature feels more like home then anywhere else in to world to me. It doesn't judge me, I don't have to ask to be there, it's so welcoming, it's the perfect place to just let your thoughts wander, and I never wanna leave once i'm there. Two days was not enough, I must go back..

There's something about jammin around a campfire that makes it that much better. Especially when you have a rockstar to listen to. Emily Chavez is amazing, I can't wait until we get our cabin in the woods, disconnected from the world, with her love for jamming and my love for dancing there's no way it won't be anything but perfect. We both want the same thing from nature, absolutely nothing. Just to be lost in the woods, with our walkie talkies and acres and acres of land. So much land I hope. So many climbable trees. I know we only joke when we talk about our future cabin in the woods, but the possibility that we could have one get's me more excited for the future than anything, except for rugby of course. On that note it doesn't matter that i'm basically a walking injury, because it'll never stops me.

My goal for the last few weeks of school is to really appreciate all my good friends i've gained this year that are gonna be gone for the summer. I feel like they have no idea how grateful and honored I truly am to have them. It doesn't matter often I see them, or who else i'm with because they will always be the most important people in my life. Always. And as sad as it is that they have to leave for the summer, I am too excited to think about how amazing next year is gonna be. I hope your summer is as amazing as you've made this year for me, and just know I would swim the ocean for you guys.

I may have high expectations for this summer, but it doesn't matter, because I know that when it ends I will be satisfied. There are too many great buddies, good trips planned, and simplicites in my life to ever be dissatisfied. Whenever some usually subtle thing gets me down, or I get that old but familiar feeling of being alone in the world somebody shows me that they care. Or I get blessed with the presence of such good people that I can't help but be grateful. Oh Seattle how I love your inlets and open winds, but how I love the people you've brought me to so much more.

Truth be told.. I miss you.

You never supported me, you never accepted my craziness, you never asked me how I felt. There are so many things that you never did that I resented you for. So many things I wanted you to do, I had expectations for you to do, and engulfed in those expectations I was continuously reciprocated with disappointment. That was our problem. You can't appreciate somebody unless you open your heart to who they are without having preconceived ideas of what they should or shouldn't be. I tried really hard to sustain a good relationship, but there was so much anger, suffering and resentment in your words for that last year that I could hardly believe that we were related. Then I figured out it was the alcohol talking. I don't get it, but I understand it. It was too late though. No turning back, rekindling it all, or even saying goodbye..

Or what a goodbye should be anyway. A goodbye shouldn't be 6 hours of overwhelming grief and anticipation.. at the end of which your face feels like it got the workout of a lifetime trying to hold back the tears. How did it get so bad so fast? One minute your in an at-home nurse care, living like normal, then your a phone call away from the end. I've never seen so much defeat in anyone's eyes. You may have been ready to go, but I was not ready for you to leave.. nor will I ever be. And all I can see is the disgraceful state that your failed liver had left you. It crushed my heart to look at you, but damaged my soul to look away. I tried so hard to be strong for them, for me, for the idea that our time was up and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. How can I ever accept your parting when there are so many things that were never said?

There's so much guilt, I often feel guilty for things that I should not. I feel guilty when somebody doesn't agree with who I am or takes something I say the wrong way. Guilty.. defensive.. angry.. all because I didn't have the time to tell you that I loved you more than I ever showed. I love you so much that I no longer find 'your mom' jokes funny. So much that when I hear others talking about their Mom I get jealous.. a reminiscent envy of what we could have been. I couldn't stand to feel that way about anybody else ever again, and you'd be proud of what that's done to me as a person, Mom. I can't stand to be mean, I find anything about everyone I meet unique in the way that it makes them who they are, and I find the most joy in life through getting to know people and appreciating my great friends. I'm not making up for the relationship we missed out on because that could never be replaced, I'm merely taking life and the amazing people in it for everything that it's worth. The way it should be taken.

I think of you often, like your still here. You are here in my mind. When I don't feel like studying anymore, or at the end of an intense workout your the one that pushes me through it. Your the reason I excel, the reason I am so happy, but yet so sad. I used to wake up at night and in my sleepy slumber think that all of it was just a dream. I had to stop that when I realized it wasn't worth putting myself through the grief over and over again. Now I wake up sometimes and feel like your in the room with me, and fight the urge to fall asleep in your presence. I have to say that it is times like those where I make the most sense out of my thoughts.

I miss you.. & you'll never be gone in my heart.

Rugby.

I've never in my life been a fan of blogging. Seriously though.. why? Why would you poor all your thoughts on the internet that you don't want anybody to see when you could just as easily write it on a piece of paper that you could burn after. That's what i've always done.. good kindling I suppose. But then I figuired it out, there's something permanent about blogging that makes it that much more satisfying. The idea that maybe somebody would be interested and actually care enough to read it warms my heart a little, and even if nobody does it's there for me to look back at. I honestly hope nobody reads this, and if for some reason you are reading this prepare yourself. There is no organization or holding back in my thought process for things that shouldn't be done or said. I save all that I can of that for things like maggotfest where you have to actually try to not sabotage yourself.

There's been something (which consists of many things) on my mind that i've been trying to sort out but there's so much in there it's hard to really get the gist of it. My best bet is just to write it all out then read it, maybe they i'll understand. My freshman year of college wasn't all that it was cracked out to be... it was more. Much more than I could have ever imagined. I never thought i'd find a place, or people that could change or understand somebody so much. My senior year of highschool was rough, I never felt like I was fully understood as a person. I mean yeah I had fun, I can't help but enjoy life for what it is. It doesn't matter if your family feels like a shattered window and you just wish everyone could get along, or if life takes you on a unexpected rollarcoaster that you didn't wish for: You have to embrace it. Take it for what it is, otherwise we stand in the shadow of ourselves, watching as we uselessly ponder the ways in which we can make ourselves happy when in actuality happiness is sitting in the palm of our hands waiting for us to fully grasp it. I've always been happy thanks to those simple pleasures waiting around every corner, but until this year i've never exactly felt accepted as a person. Always wondering what other people think and afraid to truelly act on my thoughts and feelings; The kind of security and acceptance a close family provides. I found something in college that solved anything that was ever hesistant or insecure in my mind.
That thing.. Rugby. It's more than a game, it's a lifestyle. Never have I never given a fuck what other people think of me. Never has a beer ever tasted so good than after a good, long, hard game of rugby. Never has it ever been socially acceptable to hit the shit out of someone without any intention of hurting them, but rather having a reason to take out some aggression. Never has it mattered less what your interests are, whether it be men, women, or the person behind their innate gender. Never have I ever been loved so much for exactly who I am rather than the things that i'm not, or the things that I shouldn't be. I do have a family, don't get me wrong. I just don't feel as connected to them as I should. There's my family and then there's me: two totally different types of people whose worlds don't fully understand eachother. Finding rugby was like finding my family, the people who support me no matter who I am or what I do. Who give me the motivation to get better, and whose flaws make them them. So what do you do when your family has to move away for the summer, and are no longer there everyday for you to come home to? There's no saying goodbye to rugby, only i'll see you later. Even though rugby may be done for the summer it will never end in me. I will take my rugby deprivation out in other ways, whether it be beer pong, intense sweaty workouts, going to a dog park just to play with the dogs, or playing sevens this summer. But no way will I be satisfied until I step onto the pitch again with 14 of the best people i've ever know, including the 10 or so others on the sideline cheering (and coaching) me through the best game that was ever invented.