So i'm here in the 360.. spending a wonderful day in the sun with the fam.. and I stumbled across a letter I had written to my Dad when he was in Jail dated June, 1, 2002 (This would make me 12)..

Dear Daddy,
Hi it's me your lovely daughter Claire. I haven't written to you in a long time. I LOVE YOU!
How have you been? I've been good. There are only 18 more days of school left. I am doing a big written research project on the South American Jaguar. I don't want to go with mommy. I want to stay with Mrs. D [my gaurdian]. She is so fun, and mommy still doesn't have it all together yet. I think that she has been drinking. Are you still a cook? HOw many push-ups can you do in a row? I can only do 50. Do you still eat raw eggs? How many miles do you run a day? Did I ever tell you that when I joined running club, I won a trophy in a relay race? Well I have..

And that's where it ends.. all alone without it's finishing counterpart. That's great.. if you know me and know how all over the place that I am then this should explain alot. And wow.. didn't know I was such an analytical child. Kinda makes sense.

The center of the universe. And some other things that are on my mind.

Paisley really is the center of the world. It gives you an idea of how big the world really is.. I mean half of the drive is through mountains and valleys of amazing wilderness, that make you want to hike every time you turn a corner. The weekend of disconnection from the world and that day of great hiking really was an amazing tease. Every short hike we went on made me want to continue, to the highest peak I could find. There was so much potential around every hill we drove by or through, an empty valley waiting to be explored, a treacherous hill waiting to be challenged, a roaring river waiting for the company of sun kissed drunkards. As unorthodox as it may sound, one of my favorite parts of the weekend was riding in the back of ol' Uncle Mirns truck. Wind blowing my hair back like a dog with it's head out the window, so simple but so satisfying. Like being at the top of that mountain that you worked so hard to get to the top of. Nature feels more like home then anywhere else in to world to me. It doesn't judge me, I don't have to ask to be there, it's so welcoming, it's the perfect place to just let your thoughts wander, and I never wanna leave once i'm there. Two days was not enough, I must go back..

There's something about jammin around a campfire that makes it that much better. Especially when you have a rockstar to listen to. Emily Chavez is amazing, I can't wait until we get our cabin in the woods, disconnected from the world, with her love for jamming and my love for dancing there's no way it won't be anything but perfect. We both want the same thing from nature, absolutely nothing. Just to be lost in the woods, with our walkie talkies and acres and acres of land. So much land I hope. So many climbable trees. I know we only joke when we talk about our future cabin in the woods, but the possibility that we could have one get's me more excited for the future than anything, except for rugby of course. On that note it doesn't matter that i'm basically a walking injury, because it'll never stops me.

My goal for the last few weeks of school is to really appreciate all my good friends i've gained this year that are gonna be gone for the summer. I feel like they have no idea how grateful and honored I truly am to have them. It doesn't matter often I see them, or who else i'm with because they will always be the most important people in my life. Always. And as sad as it is that they have to leave for the summer, I am too excited to think about how amazing next year is gonna be. I hope your summer is as amazing as you've made this year for me, and just know I would swim the ocean for you guys.

I may have high expectations for this summer, but it doesn't matter, because I know that when it ends I will be satisfied. There are too many great buddies, good trips planned, and simplicites in my life to ever be dissatisfied. Whenever some usually subtle thing gets me down, or I get that old but familiar feeling of being alone in the world somebody shows me that they care. Or I get blessed with the presence of such good people that I can't help but be grateful. Oh Seattle how I love your inlets and open winds, but how I love the people you've brought me to so much more.

Truth be told.. I miss you.

You never supported me, you never accepted my craziness, you never asked me how I felt. There are so many things that you never did that I resented you for. So many things I wanted you to do, I had expectations for you to do, and engulfed in those expectations I was continuously reciprocated with disappointment. That was our problem. You can't appreciate somebody unless you open your heart to who they are without having preconceived ideas of what they should or shouldn't be. I tried really hard to sustain a good relationship, but there was so much anger, suffering and resentment in your words for that last year that I could hardly believe that we were related. Then I figured out it was the alcohol talking. I don't get it, but I understand it. It was too late though. No turning back, rekindling it all, or even saying goodbye..

Or what a goodbye should be anyway. A goodbye shouldn't be 6 hours of overwhelming grief and anticipation.. at the end of which your face feels like it got the workout of a lifetime trying to hold back the tears. How did it get so bad so fast? One minute your in an at-home nurse care, living like normal, then your a phone call away from the end. I've never seen so much defeat in anyone's eyes. You may have been ready to go, but I was not ready for you to leave.. nor will I ever be. And all I can see is the disgraceful state that your failed liver had left you. It crushed my heart to look at you, but damaged my soul to look away. I tried so hard to be strong for them, for me, for the idea that our time was up and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. How can I ever accept your parting when there are so many things that were never said?

There's so much guilt, I often feel guilty for things that I should not. I feel guilty when somebody doesn't agree with who I am or takes something I say the wrong way. Guilty.. defensive.. angry.. all because I didn't have the time to tell you that I loved you more than I ever showed. I love you so much that I no longer find 'your mom' jokes funny. So much that when I hear others talking about their Mom I get jealous.. a reminiscent envy of what we could have been. I couldn't stand to feel that way about anybody else ever again, and you'd be proud of what that's done to me as a person, Mom. I can't stand to be mean, I find anything about everyone I meet unique in the way that it makes them who they are, and I find the most joy in life through getting to know people and appreciating my great friends. I'm not making up for the relationship we missed out on because that could never be replaced, I'm merely taking life and the amazing people in it for everything that it's worth. The way it should be taken.

I think of you often, like your still here. You are here in my mind. When I don't feel like studying anymore, or at the end of an intense workout your the one that pushes me through it. Your the reason I excel, the reason I am so happy, but yet so sad. I used to wake up at night and in my sleepy slumber think that all of it was just a dream. I had to stop that when I realized it wasn't worth putting myself through the grief over and over again. Now I wake up sometimes and feel like your in the room with me, and fight the urge to fall asleep in your presence. I have to say that it is times like those where I make the most sense out of my thoughts.

I miss you.. & you'll never be gone in my heart.

Rugby.

I've never in my life been a fan of blogging. Seriously though.. why? Why would you poor all your thoughts on the internet that you don't want anybody to see when you could just as easily write it on a piece of paper that you could burn after. That's what i've always done.. good kindling I suppose. But then I figuired it out, there's something permanent about blogging that makes it that much more satisfying. The idea that maybe somebody would be interested and actually care enough to read it warms my heart a little, and even if nobody does it's there for me to look back at. I honestly hope nobody reads this, and if for some reason you are reading this prepare yourself. There is no organization or holding back in my thought process for things that shouldn't be done or said. I save all that I can of that for things like maggotfest where you have to actually try to not sabotage yourself.

There's been something (which consists of many things) on my mind that i've been trying to sort out but there's so much in there it's hard to really get the gist of it. My best bet is just to write it all out then read it, maybe they i'll understand. My freshman year of college wasn't all that it was cracked out to be... it was more. Much more than I could have ever imagined. I never thought i'd find a place, or people that could change or understand somebody so much. My senior year of highschool was rough, I never felt like I was fully understood as a person. I mean yeah I had fun, I can't help but enjoy life for what it is. It doesn't matter if your family feels like a shattered window and you just wish everyone could get along, or if life takes you on a unexpected rollarcoaster that you didn't wish for: You have to embrace it. Take it for what it is, otherwise we stand in the shadow of ourselves, watching as we uselessly ponder the ways in which we can make ourselves happy when in actuality happiness is sitting in the palm of our hands waiting for us to fully grasp it. I've always been happy thanks to those simple pleasures waiting around every corner, but until this year i've never exactly felt accepted as a person. Always wondering what other people think and afraid to truelly act on my thoughts and feelings; The kind of security and acceptance a close family provides. I found something in college that solved anything that was ever hesistant or insecure in my mind.
That thing.. Rugby. It's more than a game, it's a lifestyle. Never have I never given a fuck what other people think of me. Never has a beer ever tasted so good than after a good, long, hard game of rugby. Never has it ever been socially acceptable to hit the shit out of someone without any intention of hurting them, but rather having a reason to take out some aggression. Never has it mattered less what your interests are, whether it be men, women, or the person behind their innate gender. Never have I ever been loved so much for exactly who I am rather than the things that i'm not, or the things that I shouldn't be. I do have a family, don't get me wrong. I just don't feel as connected to them as I should. There's my family and then there's me: two totally different types of people whose worlds don't fully understand eachother. Finding rugby was like finding my family, the people who support me no matter who I am or what I do. Who give me the motivation to get better, and whose flaws make them them. So what do you do when your family has to move away for the summer, and are no longer there everyday for you to come home to? There's no saying goodbye to rugby, only i'll see you later. Even though rugby may be done for the summer it will never end in me. I will take my rugby deprivation out in other ways, whether it be beer pong, intense sweaty workouts, going to a dog park just to play with the dogs, or playing sevens this summer. But no way will I be satisfied until I step onto the pitch again with 14 of the best people i've ever know, including the 10 or so others on the sideline cheering (and coaching) me through the best game that was ever invented.