Truth be told.. I miss you.

You never supported me, you never accepted my craziness, you never asked me how I felt. There are so many things that you never did that I resented you for. So many things I wanted you to do, I had expectations for you to do, and engulfed in those expectations I was continuously reciprocated with disappointment. That was our problem. You can't appreciate somebody unless you open your heart to who they are without having preconceived ideas of what they should or shouldn't be. I tried really hard to sustain a good relationship, but there was so much anger, suffering and resentment in your words for that last year that I could hardly believe that we were related. Then I figured out it was the alcohol talking. I don't get it, but I understand it. It was too late though. No turning back, rekindling it all, or even saying goodbye..

Or what a goodbye should be anyway. A goodbye shouldn't be 6 hours of overwhelming grief and anticipation.. at the end of which your face feels like it got the workout of a lifetime trying to hold back the tears. How did it get so bad so fast? One minute your in an at-home nurse care, living like normal, then your a phone call away from the end. I've never seen so much defeat in anyone's eyes. You may have been ready to go, but I was not ready for you to leave.. nor will I ever be. And all I can see is the disgraceful state that your failed liver had left you. It crushed my heart to look at you, but damaged my soul to look away. I tried so hard to be strong for them, for me, for the idea that our time was up and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. How can I ever accept your parting when there are so many things that were never said?

There's so much guilt, I often feel guilty for things that I should not. I feel guilty when somebody doesn't agree with who I am or takes something I say the wrong way. Guilty.. defensive.. angry.. all because I didn't have the time to tell you that I loved you more than I ever showed. I love you so much that I no longer find 'your mom' jokes funny. So much that when I hear others talking about their Mom I get jealous.. a reminiscent envy of what we could have been. I couldn't stand to feel that way about anybody else ever again, and you'd be proud of what that's done to me as a person, Mom. I can't stand to be mean, I find anything about everyone I meet unique in the way that it makes them who they are, and I find the most joy in life through getting to know people and appreciating my great friends. I'm not making up for the relationship we missed out on because that could never be replaced, I'm merely taking life and the amazing people in it for everything that it's worth. The way it should be taken.

I think of you often, like your still here. You are here in my mind. When I don't feel like studying anymore, or at the end of an intense workout your the one that pushes me through it. Your the reason I excel, the reason I am so happy, but yet so sad. I used to wake up at night and in my sleepy slumber think that all of it was just a dream. I had to stop that when I realized it wasn't worth putting myself through the grief over and over again. Now I wake up sometimes and feel like your in the room with me, and fight the urge to fall asleep in your presence. I have to say that it is times like those where I make the most sense out of my thoughts.

I miss you.. & you'll never be gone in my heart.