Rugby.

I've never in my life been a fan of blogging. Seriously though.. why? Why would you poor all your thoughts on the internet that you don't want anybody to see when you could just as easily write it on a piece of paper that you could burn after. That's what i've always done.. good kindling I suppose. But then I figuired it out, there's something permanent about blogging that makes it that much more satisfying. The idea that maybe somebody would be interested and actually care enough to read it warms my heart a little, and even if nobody does it's there for me to look back at. I honestly hope nobody reads this, and if for some reason you are reading this prepare yourself. There is no organization or holding back in my thought process for things that shouldn't be done or said. I save all that I can of that for things like maggotfest where you have to actually try to not sabotage yourself.

There's been something (which consists of many things) on my mind that i've been trying to sort out but there's so much in there it's hard to really get the gist of it. My best bet is just to write it all out then read it, maybe they i'll understand. My freshman year of college wasn't all that it was cracked out to be... it was more. Much more than I could have ever imagined. I never thought i'd find a place, or people that could change or understand somebody so much. My senior year of highschool was rough, I never felt like I was fully understood as a person. I mean yeah I had fun, I can't help but enjoy life for what it is. It doesn't matter if your family feels like a shattered window and you just wish everyone could get along, or if life takes you on a unexpected rollarcoaster that you didn't wish for: You have to embrace it. Take it for what it is, otherwise we stand in the shadow of ourselves, watching as we uselessly ponder the ways in which we can make ourselves happy when in actuality happiness is sitting in the palm of our hands waiting for us to fully grasp it. I've always been happy thanks to those simple pleasures waiting around every corner, but until this year i've never exactly felt accepted as a person. Always wondering what other people think and afraid to truelly act on my thoughts and feelings; The kind of security and acceptance a close family provides. I found something in college that solved anything that was ever hesistant or insecure in my mind.
That thing.. Rugby. It's more than a game, it's a lifestyle. Never have I never given a fuck what other people think of me. Never has a beer ever tasted so good than after a good, long, hard game of rugby. Never has it ever been socially acceptable to hit the shit out of someone without any intention of hurting them, but rather having a reason to take out some aggression. Never has it mattered less what your interests are, whether it be men, women, or the person behind their innate gender. Never have I ever been loved so much for exactly who I am rather than the things that i'm not, or the things that I shouldn't be. I do have a family, don't get me wrong. I just don't feel as connected to them as I should. There's my family and then there's me: two totally different types of people whose worlds don't fully understand eachother. Finding rugby was like finding my family, the people who support me no matter who I am or what I do. Who give me the motivation to get better, and whose flaws make them them. So what do you do when your family has to move away for the summer, and are no longer there everyday for you to come home to? There's no saying goodbye to rugby, only i'll see you later. Even though rugby may be done for the summer it will never end in me. I will take my rugby deprivation out in other ways, whether it be beer pong, intense sweaty workouts, going to a dog park just to play with the dogs, or playing sevens this summer. But no way will I be satisfied until I step onto the pitch again with 14 of the best people i've ever know, including the 10 or so others on the sideline cheering (and coaching) me through the best game that was ever invented.